8 WAYS TO STOP BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER

A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy and wants to feel accepted.

They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means sacrificing their own valuable time or resources. People pleasers often act the way they do because of their insecurities and lack of self-esteem. Being a people pleaser could result in others taking advantage of you and eventually lead to burnout.

Here are some other signs of a people pleaser:

• You cannot say no nor stop volunteering to help. Even though you are not able to, or you are being asked to do more than others.
• You apologise to others, even when there is no reason to.
• You shy away from disagreements or even having an opinion of your own. Just because you are concerned about what others may think about you.
• You avoid making decisions. Even as simple as picking a place for dinner.

A can-do attitude is wonderful. However, if it is paired with a desire to put everyone else’s needs above your own, then it has gone too far.

The fact is other people may not even really like people pleasers.

 

You can look at some steps to break that habit.

 

1. Create Boundaries

 

We must set boundaries because we all have physical or emotional limits.

Ask yourself what you are willing to do, and do not go beyond these limits. Also, be clear in communicating your boundaries. Say what you are thinking and what you want.

Boundaries are not impolite, they are reasonable.

Do you what will happen if you constantly let someone cross your boundaries without voicing your frustrations? Your negative feelings about a person will build up to a point until you blow-up. Someone’s feelings will be hurt, or the relationship will end.

Examples of people attempting to cross boundaries:

• You have a friend or acquaintance who calls you often with his or her problems (real and imagined) and wants you to listen.
• You have a friend or acquaintance who wants to share with you (push) the latest product or stuff (supplements, diets, food, MLM stuff) he or she is using.
• You have a friend or acquaintance who wants to share with you (push) his or her beliefs (politics, money, conspiracy theories, religion).
• You have a friend or acquaintance who wants to share with you (push) his or her latest interests (singing, investments).
• You have a friend or acquaintance who pops out near your office (very often and sudden) and would like to meet you (now, lunch, dinner).

Some people tend to call you at your busiest time of the day.

You can set the time that works best for you. It will be tough if you are in a super busy and demanding role requiring your full concentration. Then you are busy all the time. Unfortunately, some of these people may be free most or all the time.

But some people do not care. They just want your time and attention. They will insist on and persist in either meeting you or talking to you.

It is fine if you are interested or have free time. But usually, you have neither interest nor free time available.

They do not understand that they are asking you a favour every time you are listening to them. Or likely they are choosing not to understand.

Every time you hang out, your friend feels better but you feel miserable.

Try your best to wean them off you.

 

2. Say “NO” with conviction.

 

Just say no.

Saying no has its benefits.

If the person needs an answer right away, your automatic answer can be no.

It is because once you say yes, you are stuck. By saying no automatically, you leave yourself an option to say yes later if you find out you are available. And you have also struck it off your must-do or do-not-want to do list.

It is also tempting to want to defend your decision to say no to someone. To reason with them, so that they understand your situation. But this always backfires as they and they are not concerned about your situation and do not care.

As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person a lot of chances to invalidate your arguments:

• Nobody does this better than you do.
• It is alright, you can do that later.
• I do not need it now.
• You can adjust your schedule for this.
• You are the best person for this thing.
• None of us understands this stuff.
• They will listen to only you.

Do not bother to offer an excuse. That person will try to convince you to make them your priority.

You are entitled to your time and you want to be there for the people you want to help. Look at saying no as an opportunity to spend your time doing what the things you value most.

Say no. No reasons required.

 

3. Stop getting obsessed with other people’s opinion of you.

 

Detach yourself from other people’s opinion of you.

For example, people fear public speaking. The reason is due to the fear of appearing vulnerable in front of people. They focus on more what people might think about them than on the message they want to convey.

Seeking validation from others turns us into their prisoners.

We cannot control what other people feel or think, but we can control our own actions, feelings, and thoughts.

When you know that what other people think of you does not define you, you are free.

What they see is their opinion. It is all about their standards, and it has nothing to do with you.

Do the best you know and the best you can daily.

Other people’s opinion or validation of you is neither required nor needed.

You cannot please everyone, no matter how much you might try.

Other people’s opinions of you are nothing but perception, based on their expectations, or system of belief.

Know your self-worth, not because of others, but because of your self-belief.

 

4. Be assertive and empathetic.

 

There is a possibility to make it easier for people to accept your no by disarming them first.

Learn to say no with grace, without offending anyone.

Be assertive and express yourself with clarity and confidence.

Being assertive is about making a connection.

Use empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes as you assert yourself.

You let the person know that you understand where they are coming from, but unfortunately, you cannot help.

People need to feel heard and understood. This is a respectful way of asserting yourself and saying no.

If you do so respectfully, a little push back can help you stand out in a good way.

Start by saying you are flattered or that you appreciate the kind offer, but:

• I am not able to make this time around.
• I have too much on my plate right now.
• I am quite tied up now, please let me know how it turns out.
• Perhaps we can meet up another time.
• No thank you, but it sounds great.
• I simply do not have the time to do what you want.

If the other person is pushy, tell them how you feel.

If it still does not work, never mind. The answer is still no.

 

5. Asking for a lot of feedback.

 

Tell me.

What do you do think?

Can you have a look at it before I send it?

You seek more feedback than most others to feel confident about yourself and your work as a people pleaser.

It is reasonable to check with someone some of the time.

But do not overdo it.

Learn to go for it alone and feel good about your contributions without any handholding.

You will realise that you know what you are doing once you stop seeking approval for every little thing.

 

6. Stop Apologising

 

I am sorry.

Sorry.

So sorry.

Apologies.

Of course, if accidentally knock into someone, you say sorry.

But if you ask someone a question, and you instinctively say start with “Sorry, …”, stop that.

People-pleasers tend to be serial apologists.

Pay attention to when you are apologizing and consider if you are really at fault. Ask yourself if you are responsible for the situation. Usually, the answer is no.

Break this habit.

Stop apologising. It is not your fault.

 

7. Learn to Take a Compliment

 

People pleasers find it difficult to respond when someone compliments them.

They will say this when someone says something nice to them:

• It was nothing.
• It was not as good as XXX.
• Thanks, but there some minor errors.
• I do not look good.
• I am wearing something old.

It is not necessary to be self-deprecating.

Just say:

• Thank you. I am glad you liked it.

It is good to be humble, but that does not mean you cannot accept some well-earned praise, too.

Give yourself a pat on the back.

 

8. Do not be afraid of the fallout.

 

People-pleasers often worry that after they say no, the fallout will be catastrophic.

The fallout is never as bad as we think it is.

People are not thinking about you as much as you think. Usually after you say no, the person will be focused on who they will be asking next to help them.

They are not likely to focus on your so-called “betrayal”.

Some requests take a lot of time, energy, and money. Some or all these which you may not have. Just say that you will not be able to do it.

If you have a solid friendship or relationship, this will not end it.

If it ends, then this friendship or relationship is not that solid after all and is not worth it.

Let it end naturally. You are better off without it.

 

Final thoughts.

 

Very few people like or trust a people pleaser, yes man or woman or a brown-noser. It is a terrible strategy in your personal life or career.

People will respect you for having your own thoughts and opinions, and for being assertive and confident when appropriate.

Start getting out of the people-pleasing habit by saying no to the small things in your life. Take baby steps.

Express your opinion about something simple or take a stand for something you believe in. Each step you take will help you gain more confidence in your ability to be yourself.

Bring something that adds to any conversation instead of simply agreeing with everything.

You teach people by how you behave.

They learn about you and your boundaries from your behaviour.

The only person you really must please is yourself to achieve real happiness.