8 SIGNS YOU ARE DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST

We know and have seen a few people who are a little too much into themselves. People who dominate a conversation. And sometimes, you feel that they do not want to let you get a word through in a conversation.

 

They talk about themselves ad nauseum and are not curious about what you have to offer. This happens in company meetings, seminars or at a gathering among friends. Heck, even on a first date.

 

They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. This also comes paired with a constant craving for attention and affirmation.

 

At times, they might pretend to be listening to you. After all, they would not want to appear as self-absorbed.

 

They enjoy hearing themselves talk.

It always come back to them even if you talk about your greatest achievement or greatest worry. Somehow, they always circle back to their story. They do not intend to be rude. But they seem to get caught up in their own dramas.

 

You would have also seen many enhanced (edited) selfies or body shots on Facebook or Instagram. Or it could be ordinary stuff they are doing, like going shopping, watching a movie, or having a cup of coffee or tea. They must let the whole world know through social media.

 

Does anyone come to mind?

Erich Fromm wrote in The Art of Being, “Narcissism is an orientation in which all one’s interest and passion are directed to one’s own person, one’s body, mind, feelings, interests and so forth. For the narcissistic person, only he and what concerns him are real; what is outside, what concerns others, is real only in a superficial sense of perception… He is the world.”

The character of Narcissus from Greek mythology is the origin of the term narcissism. Narcissus who was well known for his beauty was a hunter from Thespiae in Boeotia . He rejected all romantic advances, falling in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. He later died, and in his place, sprouted a flower bearing his name.

We label these people as a narcissist. These traits do not make the person a narcissist. It is more likely this is a self-absorbed person. And has an over-inflated ego and heightened self-worth. Unlikable, but harmless. People who narcissists are people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

The signs that characterise NPD are inherent in all of us.

 

We may have been mislabelling self-absorbed and egotistical people as narcissists. NPD affects a person’s ability to manage his or her emotions, self and identity. As well as relationships at work, friendships, and love.

 

We can prepare for dealing with them by being aware of certain signs that define their character.

 

1. Have a superiority complex and a sense of entitlement.

 

Narcissists feel superior in everything. But this is different from being self-confident.

The world of the narcissist is all about good or bad, superiority or inferiority, and right or wrong. They only feel safe when they are at the top.

Narcissists must be the best, the most correct, and the most competent. They must do everything their way, own everything and control everyone.

Narcissists can also feel superior by being the worst off, the most wronged, or the most upset or hurt. They will then feel entitled to receive comfort and recompense from you. And the right to hurt you or demand apologies to “even things out.”

A narcissist also needs constant attention. This includes following you around everywhere, asking you to find stuff. Or saying something to grab your attention.

Validation for a narcissist counts only if it comes from others. Even then, it does not help. A narcissist’s need for validation is like a funnel. You pour in positive, supportive words, and they flow out the other end and are gone. It is never enough.

 

2. Dominate and hoard the conversation time.

 

Narcissists love to keep talking about their own accomplishments and achievements with grandiose.

They do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else. And because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured.

They are also too busy talking about themselves to listen to you. Will not stop talking about themselves and will not engage in conversation with you.

 

They love the sound of their own voice.

 

Instead of listening, they wait to speak.

 

They exaggerate their accomplishments, talents, connections, and experiences. All these to gain adulation from other people.

Narcissists are very insecure and fearful of not measuring up. They try to elicit praise and approval. Their self-absorbed, grandiose bragging from others is to shore up their fragile egos. But they always want more.

 

3. Feel insecure, fearful, and anxious.

 

Fear motivates and energizes the narcissist’s entire life. Most narcissists bury and repress their fears. They are afraid of being ridiculed, rejected, or wrong. They may fear germs or about losing all their money. It could be about being emotionally or physically attacked. Or even being inadequate or being abandoned.

This makes it difficult for the narcissist to trust anyone else.

 

Behind every narcissist is an insecure person.

 

Anxiety is an ongoing, vague feeling that something bad is happening or about to happen. Some talk about the doom that is about to happen, while some hide and repress their anxiety. But most narcissists project their anxiety onto the person closest to them. By accusing them of being negative, unsupportive, or selfish. Or even not putting them first or not responding to their needs. They transfer anxiety to other people so that they will not feel it themselves. As you feel worse off, the narcissist feels better and better.

In fact, they feel stronger and more superior as you feel your anxiety and depression grow.

 

4. Have a great need to control.

 

Narcissists try to control everything due to their disappointment with their ‘imperfect’ life. They want to mould it to their liking. They want and demand to be in control. And it seems logical to them that they should be in control of everything due to their sense of entitlement.

Narcissists always have a storyline about how each “character” plays in their interaction. When you do not behave as expected, they become quite upset and unsettled. They do not know what to expect next because you are off script. They demand that you say and do exactly what they have in mind so they can reach their desired conclusion. You are a character in their internal play, not a real person with your own thoughts and feelings.

 

5. Avoid responsibility.

 

Narcissists want to be in control, but they never want to be responsible for the results. The narcissists blame and push the responsibility to someone else when things do not go to plan. It must be someone else’s fault. The exception is when everything goes their way.

Sometimes they generalise the blame. Everyone is out to get them. The narcissist usually blames the person who is the closest to them. They are loyal and less likely to reject them. Narcissists must blame someone or something else to maintain the impression of perfection.

 

Another trick of narcissists is projection. A narcissist will accuse someone else of doing what they are doing. Or call out their flaws and fears in someone else. Projection is a defence that occurs when the person feels threatened.

 

They can also be about the narcissist’s own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They will accuse you of what they are doing or feeling. They are always looking for threats and often finds them. Then they blame other people for their deficits.

 

6. Are manipulative.

 

Egotistical people can twist the situation to better suit their narrative. When a person is so manipulative, you will fall into their trap and remaining unaware it is happening. You will be aware of the manipulation someday.

Narcissists are wizards at getting what they want. And as they have no empathy, they will not care about the costs to someone else. They use manipulation as a tool to get their most essential needs met. This includes attention, validation, and status.

 

They believe that everything belongs to them, and that everyone thinks and feels the same as they do. And thus, everyone wants the same things they do.

They get shocked and insulted to when told no. Narcissists will be tenacious, sweet-talking, demanding, or sulking. All this to get the things they desire.

 

Gaslighting is another form of manipulation and emotional abuse. Narcissists may churn out lies, falsely accuse others, and spin the truth. And ultimately distort your reality. They gain superiority by causing others to doubt themselves. To render the person dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation.

 

7. Have lack of empathy.

 

Narcissists have little ability to empathise with others.

Narcissists tend to be selfish and self-involved. And they are usually unable to understand what other people are feeling. They expect others to think and feel the same as they do and seldom give any thought to how others feel. They are also rarely apologetic, remorseful, or guilty.

Some narcissists also lack an understanding of the nature of feelings. They do not understand how their feelings occur. That their own thoughts, and interpretations are the cause of their feelings. They think that other people are the cause of their feelings. They blame you because they presume that you did not follow their plan. Or because you made them feel vulnerable.

This lack of empathy will make it difficult to have any genuine relationships with narcissists. They do not notice what anyone else is feeling.

 

8. Have emotional challenges.

 

Narcissists have an inability to be vulnerable.

Having a feeling in the presence of another person will suggest several things. This will show that people like friends, family, partners, can affect them. Sometime even the occasional tragedy or failure can move them. That is why narcissists loathe them.

Feeling an emotion challenges their sense of perfect autonomy. To admit to a feeling of any kind suggests that someone or something outside of them can affect them.

As a result, narcissists tend to change the topic of conversation when feelings come up. Usually to their own self.

You may have tried reasoning with the narcissist to help them understand the painful effect of their behaviours. Trying to reason and to use logic is a mistake. Your explanations make no sense to the narcissist. The narcissist only seems to be aware of their own thoughts and feelings. Although they claim to understand, they do not.

Thus, narcissists make most of their decisions based on how they feel about something. They are always looking for something or someone else to solve their feelings and needs. They expect you to go along with their “solutions”. And they react with irritation and resentment if you do not.

Narcissists cannot connect emotionally with other people. They cannot understand feelings, lack empathy, and constantly need self-protection. They cannot look at the world from anyone else’s perspective. This makes them emotionally deprived. They desperately want someone to feel their pain and to sympathise with them. And to make everything as they want it to be. It is a form of co-dependency. Except that they cannot respond to your pain or fear or even your need for care and sympathy.

 

Afterthoughts

 

How well or poorly a person listens is a primary indicator of narcissism. Someone who is emotionally healthy will listen and try to understand what another person is saying. Ridiculing or ignoring another person’s ideas or topics suggests narcissistic patterns.

You cannot change a person with NPD or make them happy by changing yourself to meet their whims and desires. They will never be on the same wavelength with you and never empathic to your experiences. And you will always feel empty after an interaction with them.

Narcissists cannot feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives. This is because nothing is ever special enough for them.

Some people are narcissists to a certain degree. The above are some indicators they have in common.

And having one or more or all these signs does not make a person a narcissist. Rather, it is good cause for re-evaluating the relationship with that person. You are not responsible for their behaviour. But you are responsible for taking care of yourself.

If you exhibit some narcissistic tendencies, tame these indicators with the best skills. You will then have a happier life and more satisfying relationships.

Narcissism is not a fixed occurrence. Instead, most of the time narcissism is a skills deficit. Upgrade your listening and cooperation skills. And then welcome yourself to less conflict and more rewarding relationships.