Do not be an advice-giving maniac!
- Updated: December 9, 2020
Everybody loves to give advice. Everybody loves to ‘share’ their opinions. It is a human weakness.
The moment somebody asks this question, “I need your advice”, my inner advice monster is triggered. Awakened from hibernation.
Let me give that person or friend a name, say Valerie.
Valerie started telling me what was happening, and I started pretending to listen. This is because my advice monster already knew exactly what I wanted to tell her.
After some time, she finished. A minute or two feels like an eternity for an advice monster.
Finally, I was able to share my awesome advice.
But it went nowhere; my advice monster had sabotaged the whole shindig. Trust, credibility, amity and probably friendship as well, are blown out of the water.
You know your advice monster.
The context
Somebody starts telling you about something. You do not really know the situation, or the people involved. You certainly do not have the full context. After less than 5 words in from your friend, your advice monster barges in, and starts shooting advice or opinions. My oh my, it seems like we are so full of ourselves. But it is our inner advice monster. I certainly am not a know it all and do not mean to ‘advice’ others. It is my inner advice monster doing so. It is a bad habit and I always tell myself not to do it.
The advice monster will always push you hard to have the feeling:
” I have got something to say here” or
“I have to put a word in”.
Giving advice is not the problem. Instead, the problem is when giving advice becomes our default response.
When advice giving goes bad
There are 4 ways that advice giving can go bad.
1. Solving the wrong problem
We are often solving the wrong problem. Our advice monster will make us think the first challenge that shows up is the real challenge. But it almost never is. That means we must always listen attentively and completely to get the whole picture.
2. Shoddy advice
Our advice is not nearly as good as we think it is. If you are thinking to yourself, “My advice is awesome”. It will explain We think we are amazing at stuff even though we are not because of cognitive bias.
Cognitive biases are ways of thinking about and perceiving the world that may not necessarily reflect reality. We may think we experience the world around us with perfect objectivity, but this is rarely the case.
3. Taking up responsibility for another person’s problem
If you have an advice monster, holding the responsibility of having to have all the answers and rescuing the person is arduous, exasperating, and overwhelming.
And, we all do have an advice monster residing in each one of us.
4. Advice giving behaviour may come off as condescending
The person who is on the receiving end of your advice monster are getting the message that they cannot figure this out by themselves. This hurts their self-confidence and autonomy.
They feel like you are talking at them, offering each key point like a gift. They do not have the heart to derail your soliloquy.
They find this situation annoying, because you have, for whatever reason, assumed that they do not possess the same knowledge you do. Chances are you have not actually weighed the likelihood that they do or do not know what you are explaining. You just know that you know it, and that is enough reason for you to go on and one.
We are constantly feed our advice monsters. And they are always ravenous.
As soon as somebody starts talking, your advice monster materialises and goes “Oh, this is where I can help!”
You need to learn to control your advice monster, and to control it, you must understand it.
3 different faces of your advice monster
Your advice monster has three different faces.
1. Tell
The Tell face tells you that you always must have all the answers to win. Because if you do not have all the answers, then you fail.
2. Save
The Control face tells you that you always must rescue everybody to win. do not let anybody slip, falter, struggle or have a challenging time. If anybody struggles at all, you fail.
3. Control
The Control face tells you that you always must maintain control to win. If anybody else takes control, then you fail.
These 3 faces are connected.
When your advice monster is speaking, it is saying that you are better than the other person and that they are not good enough. Both you and the other person that are devalued. You have lost your empathy and compassion.
Tame your advice monster
To tame your advice monster, you must replace your advice-giving habit with a new habit. Be curious and ask questions.
3 questions you can ask if someone asked for your advice.
1. What is the actual problem?
Neither of you know nor understand what is going on. Ask more follow up questions to this question if the first few responses are ambiguous. It helps the other person identify the real issue. And you will not provide them with a quick and incorrect advice.
2. What other issues are there?
The first answer your friend will give you is never their only answer and it is rarely their best answer. It is also not the actual problem. This will help you go deeper and further on any questions you ask.
3. What do you want?
Sometimes the other person may not actually want advice. They just want a sounding board. This question will clarify their expectations, which is what they want you to do.
When they know what they want, they move towards that with self-confidence by themselves.
You empower people not by giving them the answer but by helping them find their own answer by being patient and staying curious. You are empowering people by not by rescuing them but by helping them find their own path.