Gaslighting is a subtle form of manipulation that happens more often than we might realize. It is like wearing foggy glasses that make us doubt what we see and feel. Imagine having your reality questioned by someone close to you, making you unsure of your own thoughts and feelings. That is gaslighting.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a kind of mind game where one person tries to make another person doubt themselves. They might deny things they have said or done, making the other person feel like they are crazy or imagining things. It is a subtle way of gaining control and power over someone else.
Signs of Gaslighting
Recognising gaslighting can be tricky because it is so subtle. Here are some signs to watch out for:
1. Constant Confusion:
It is like feeling uncertain and bewildered about your own memories and thoughts, as if there is a constant fog making it hard to trust what you remember or think.
Imagine this: You distinctly remember discussing plans with a friend, but when you bring it up later, they deny it ever happened. You start questioning yourself, wondering if maybe you misunderstood or imagined the conversation. That is the confusion gaslighting creates—it makes you doubt your own memories and thoughts.
2. Denial and Contradiction:
This is when someone firmly says things never happened, even though you distinctly remember them occurring, leaving you feeling confused and doubting your own reality.
You share a happy memory with your partner, and suddenly they insist it never took place. They might say, “I never said that” or “You’re making things up again.” It leaves you feeling like you cannot trust your own recollection of events, making you question what is real and what is not.
3. Blame Game:
It is being unfairly held responsible for things you did not do or continuously made to feel guilty, like carrying the weight of someone else’s actions on your shoulders.
Picture this: You are blamed for a project gone wrong at work, even though you did your best and followed all instructions. Your boss points fingers at you, saying, “You messed it up,” when, in truth, others were responsible. It is like carrying the weight of someone else’s mistakes and feeling guilty for things beyond your control.
4. Invalidation of your feelings:
It is when your feelings are brushed off, minimised, or belittled, making you feel insignificant or foolish for having those emotions, as if they are not valid or important.
When you express concerns or emotions, you are often dismissed with phrases like “You are overreacting” or “You are too sensitive” or “Stop being so dramatic.”
This makes you question if you are being too sensitive, even though the comment made you genuinely uncomfortable.
It also leaves you doubting the legitimacy of your own emotions, as if you are wrong for feeling the way you do. This dismissive behaviour further chips away at your self-worth.
5. Isolation:
Picture feeling completely cut off from friends or family, like you are only allowed to communicate with one person, leaving you feeling lonely and trapped.
Imagine being in a relationship where your partner discourages you from spending time with friends or family. They insist on being your only confidant, gradually isolating you from other supportive relationships. It feels like you are trapped in a bubble where their perspective is the only one that matters.
6. Projection:
This is when someone accuses you of behaviours they themselves are doing, projecting their actions onto you, which can make you doubt your own behaviour and reality.
Your sibling accuses you of being selfish and never helping out at home, even though they are the ones who always avoid chores. They are projecting their behaviour onto you, making you question if maybe they are right, even when you know it is not true.
7. Withholding Information:
You are not being told things or only being given bits of the story. It is like not being given the full picture or crucial details, leaving you feeling like you are missing pieces of the puzzle, unsure of what is really going on.
At work, your boss does not share vital details about an upcoming project, leaving you in the dark about important aspects. They only provide snippets of information, making it hard for you to do your job effectively. It is like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces.
8. Lower Self-Esteem:
It is feeling less sure of yourself and your worth, like a steady erosion of confidence and belief in your abilities and value as a person.
Your partner constantly criticises your appearance, making comments that chip away at your self-worth. Over time, you start feeling less confident about your looks and abilities, as if you are not good enough.
9. Feeling Powerless:
It is like feeling as though you have no control over your own life, where decisions about your life are made without your input or consideration.
Imagine being in a situation where decisions about your life are made without your input. Your opinions are disregarded, and you feel like you have no say in matters that directly affect you. It is like being a passenger in your own life, with someone else driving.
10. Difficulty Making Decisions:
It is constantly seeking someone else’s approval even for small choices, feeling incapable of making decisions independently, and relying heavily on others’ judgments.
You find yourself always seeking your friend’s approval for even the smallest choices, like what to wear or where to eat. You fear making decisions alone, constantly relying on their judgment. It is as if you have lost confidence in your ability to make choices on your own.
11. Always Apologising:
You find yourself saying sorry for things that are not your fault, just to keep the peace. Even when someone else is clearly in the wrong, you take on the blame to avoid conflict. It is like walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting the other person.
In a relationship, your partner forgets your anniversary, but somehow you end up apologising for reminding them and causing a fuss. You take on the blame to keep the peace, even though you were not at fault.
12. Lacking Psychological Safety:
Feeling constantly on edge or anxious in a certain environment, like work or home, due to someone’s behaviour. You do not feel safe expressing yourself or being your true self, fearing judgment or negative repercussions.
At work, every time you suggest a new idea, your boss shoots it down without consideration. This makes you hesitant to share your thoughts, fearing ridicule or dismissal, and stifling your creativity and contribution.
13. Not Trusting Your Instincts:
Your gut feeling tells you something is not right, but you ignore it because someone has convinced you otherwise. Over time, you start distrusting your own intuition and second-guessing your judgment.
You have a strong feeling that a friend is using you for their benefit, but they always have convincing explanations. Despite your gut feeling, you dismiss it, doubting yourself and trusting their words over your intuition.
14. Becoming a People Pleaser:
You prioritise others’ needs and desires over your own, always trying to keep everyone happy. You are afraid of disappointing or upsetting others, so you sacrifice your own happiness and needs to please them.
You constantly agree with your group of friends’ plans, even if it means sacrificing your preferences. You fear suggesting something different, worried about upsetting them or being left out, so you always go along with their choices.
15. Feeling Guilty, Ashamed, and Small:
Gas lighters manipulate situations to make you feel guilty or ashamed, often for things you did not do or have no control over. This constant emotional pressure makes you feel small and unworthy, reinforcing their control.
Imagine you are in a relationship where your partner frequently cancels plans at the last minute without a valid reason. When you express disappointment or frustration, they turn it around and accuse you of neediness and guilt-tripping.
Despite your valid feelings, they twist the situation, making you believe your reasonable expectations seem wrong or unreasonable. Eventually, you start feeling ashamed for wanting basic care and attention and creates a sense of unworthiness within you. This cycle of emotional pressure makes you feel smaller, doubting your needs and reinforcing their control over your emotions and actions.
Each of these signs contributes to the erosion of one’s confidence, self-trust, and emotional well-being. They are subtle yet impactful indicators of gaslighting or manipulative behaviour, gradually diminishing a person’s sense of self. Recognising these signs is key to regaining control and seeking support to break free from the cycle of manipulation.
How Gaslighting Affects People
Gaslighting can really mess with a person’s head and heart. It can make you doubt your abilities, feel anxious or depressed, and question your own reality. Imagine feeling like you cannot trust your own thoughts or feelings—it is like being lost in a maze with no map.
Gaslighting in Different Places
It is not just in relationships. Gaslighting can happen at work, with friends, or even in bigger social groups. Bosses might make you doubt your skills, friends might manipulate you, and society sometimes pushes false ideas that make you question what you know to be true.
What Can You Do?
Recognising gaslighting is the first step. Here is what you can do if you think you are being gaslighted:
1. Trust Yourself
Believing in your instincts and emotions is crucial. Your feelings and thoughts matter.
For instance, if you feel uncomfortable when a friend constantly dismisses your opinions, trust that discomfort. Your feelings are valid and should be acknowledged, even if others try to downplay them.
2. Talk to Someone
Opening up to someone you trust can offer a different perspective.Share your concerns with a trusted friend or family member.
For example, discussing with a close friend how your partner minimises your achievements might help you see the situation more clearly. Their outside view might validate your feelings and provide much-needed support.
3. Keep Records
Documenting instances of manipulation is important. Write down what is happening. It helps to have proof.
For instance, if a coworker repeatedly takes credit for your work, keeping a log of these incidents with dates and details can serve as evidence if you need to address the issue with a supervisor or HR department.
4. Set Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries is essential.Decide what behaviour is not okay and stick to it.
For instance, if a family member constantly belittles your choices, clearly communicate that such remarks are unacceptable. Consistently enforcing these boundaries reinforces your self-worth and indicates what treatment you are willing to accept.
5. Seek Help
Consulting a therapist or counsellor offers professional assistance and guidance.
For instance, if you are feeling overwhelmed by a partner’s manipulative behaviour, seeking therapy can provide tools to regain self-confidence and cope with emotional challenges in a healthy manner. Therapists can offer tailored guidance to navigate these complex situations.
Breaking Free and Healing
Healing from gaslighting takes time, but it is possible. Surround yourself with supportive people who lift you up. Remind yourself that you are worthy, and your thoughts and feelings are valid. Rebuilding your confidence and trusting your instincts again is like finding your way out of that confusing maze.
Conclusion
Gaslighting is a subtle form of manipulation that can leave a person feeling lost and confused. Recognising the signs and seeking support are crucial steps in breaking free from its grip. Remember, you deserve to feel sure of yourself and your reality. Trust yourself, seek help if needed, and take back your power.
This article aims to make gaslighting easier to understand and offers simple steps to recognise and address this manipulative behaviour.